This is long, but I would appreciate someone reading it all and taking the time to hear what I have to say.
My relationship with my father has been through the ringer throughout my entire life. I am to the point now where I don’t know what to do and I am thinking about throwing my hands up and just keeping him out of my life…
My situation now, is… I am 25 years old and I am engaged to get married. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years and we had planned to marry next year, however I got pregnant. My fiance and I decided to postpone the wedding so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with wedding plans and I could just concentrate on being pregnant. We agreed to get married maybe a year after the baby is born, which only puts us back about 9-10 months from when we originally wanted to get married. With that said, my dad (who has decided when it’s more conveinant for him to be my father, not consistant at all) has decided to lecture me on the value of being married when we bring our daughter into the world… he tells me how much it hurt him when him and my mom split up and he couldn’t have me around all the time. But all I remember from my child hood is when it was his turn to get me on the weekends he would leave me with a nanny and go party on Friday and Saturday nights and on Sundays when he took me back to my moms, he would call that our special bonding time and that would make up for Fri and Sat. He has been married 3 times, and the 2nd marriage he would cancel a lot of my weekends with him because he had out of town plans with his wife, and the third marriage she is 29 years old from Vietnam and she barely speaks english. If I ever bring up the status of my pregnancy (ie… doctor’s visits, kicking, anything) he just blows it off and changes the subject to talk about something about himself, his new wife, or his career. However whenever he brings up my pregnancy he always refers to my daughter as HIS grandchild. Growing up I was a good kid… I made good grades, never got into much trouble, served in the military, and I’m months away from getting a bachelor degree…. I will never be good enough for him, and it seems like he has a problem with the fact that my child will be born out of wedlock… when he’s the one who encouraged my fiance and I to live together. (what did he think would happen?) Things happen. Also I don’t understand his stance on tradition all of a sudden when he has had numerous affair’s all of 3 of his wives.
How do I deal with this man? I guess you can’t choose who your parents are, huh??
I meant to say… Numerous affairs on all three wives.
9 comments
Comment by Shadycat on November 1, 2009 at 5:45 am
There’s certainly something to be said about the adage, Do as I say, not as I do. Parents aren’t perfect, and he may be trying to give you the benefit of his experience – being that his experience is in doing things the wrong way. The fact that he’s interested and wants to be involved is a good thing. Some people just aren’t good at emotions or relationships, no matter how much they may with it were otherwise. Certainly keep a little distance if that makes you feel better, but try not to take it so personally, and adopt the idea that it just is what it is and don’t let it affect how you live your life. If he’s toxic and nasty most of the time, however, that’s another story. You do what feels right, but do it with a clear head and not in an emotional OR hormonal state. Best of luck to you and your new family.
Comment by xRawr on November 1, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Congrats on the baby
And he seems like he is trying to control you…
It is your decision not his you should tell him that
let him know how you’re feeling instead of just kicking him out of
your life if he doesn’t want to listen then I suppose you should.
Again Congratulations on your baby and I wish you the best of luck
Comment by T.Lashelle♥ on November 2, 2009 at 7:21 am
All i can tell you is that he is your father no matter what happens he is you father and no matter what he did in tha past, is doing in tha present, or will do in tha future, and even though he may not act like it he is your father and you should love him just because he got you hear today and if it wasn’t for him you wouldn’t b born and you wouldn’t have met your husband
qewd luck
”)
Comment by Eric on November 5, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Well there is nothing you can do to deal with him
Comment by rachelbee on November 7, 2009 at 4:46 pm
i would confront this situation
and strictly say waht you think! be harsh!!
you will feel better once you have it off your chest
and then maybe he will realize how much of an a**
he is being!
if this doesnt work avoid him for a while
still talk to him maybe but limit it
or take yourself out of his life for a while
soo he can see how you felt
and maybe he will realize how much you mean to him!
and maybe try telling him
that its your abbay not his haha
overall,i hope this situation gets better
and that you have a healthy,beauiful baby girl:)
Comment by loves christmas lights on November 9, 2009 at 12:58 am
I need to talk to you Dad about something that is really bothering me. Say this Thinking back throughout my life, you were in my life, but not there for me in my life as I feel you should of been. Picking me up for visitation and leaving me with a sitter time after time, cancelling time with me often, made me wonder my whole life how much you really care for me, as you dont really show it.
Now that I am changing my wedding plans, that has nothing to do with you what so ever.Now you are giving me a hard time over this, I need you to stop this and let me enjoy my life, and hey stop by sometime maybe now that I am older we can spend time togehter and be friends
Comment by Linsie M on November 10, 2009 at 5:14 am
I can totally relate. My dad, too, is a father when it is convenient for him. I used to get upset that I wasn’t living up to what he wanted me to be, but I finally came to the realization that he’s only a part of my life about 2 or 3 times a year, and I’d rather disappoint him then than disappoint myself every second of my life for someone whose opinion has kind of been soiled by his own actions. You’re an adult now, and if you don’t take care of yourself, no one will. Sometimes things don’t happen the way we planned for them to, and we have no choice but to readjust our lives accordingly.
Still, he is your dad–no matter how crappy of a dad he might be. Remember how big the dreams you had for yourself were when you were little? Those are the dreams your parents still have for you now. It’s not about him judging you–it’s about him wanting a better life for you than he had himself. Believe it or not, even selfish parents love their children. I’m still learning that with my dad.
Anyway, this is what seems to be working for me–I still treat my dad and love him like a daughter is supposed to, but when he gets out of line, I remind him that I’m an adult now, and that even if things don’t go the way he wants them to, I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do for ME.
Hope this helps. Good luck
Comment by King_Radbadical_LXXXVIII on November 11, 2009 at 10:16 am
Instead of answering your dad problem, I have an idea that might solve everything, it just makes sense. Get a LEGAL, non-ceremonious marriage (not wedding) with just you, your man, and a priest (or other religious figure) and a lawyer…just put on ANY dress, and your man can wear ANY suit, and just keep it simple with just those four people. This is only the legal wedding, not the ceremony. It would take zero energy to just take a short drive to a lawyer’s office or an empty church, and simply sign near the X.
AFTER your pregnancy, and after you give some time to heal, you could THEN worry about fancy dresses and tuxedos, having an official ceremony, etc.
Comment by Maurice on November 12, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Though the good book saysHonor thy mother and father you are an adult and your dads opinion should not affect you. Live your life so that you,your husband and child are happy. And that’s all that should matter!!!!!