Bee ~Brit Mum~ asked:
I have a friend, well less than a friend more than an acquaintance if you know what I mean, (we both live in Britain) with a baby around the same age as mine (who is 9 months old). Our parenting styles couldn’t be more different, we do everything differently. There are certain things she does, or doesn’t do, that I inwardly disapprove of but I keep it to myself as I know opinions vary and unless she is being harmful or neglectful she has every right to parent her child how she wants. But she is the kind of person who will go to any measures to take the pressure of parenthood off her. It’s annoying, she’s almost 10 years older than me, married and has a live in nanny even though she only works 12 hours a week, and chose to try for a baby, I’m 20, single, doing a full time home study degree and take care of my baby 24/7 and my pregnancy was unplanned, and yet I pay my baby so much more attention than she does, and give him so much more time. Anyway sorry digressing into a bit of a rant there! But as I say, I keep my opinions of her ‘ways’ to myself, live and let live is my motto!! However lately she has been getting on my back, criticising me for being a ‘pushover’ and doing ‘too much’ for my baby. The main thing she goes on about is night feeds. From day one she was doing anything and everything to get her son sleeping through, things I wouldn’t dream of doing, and a lot of the time she’d ignore him if he woke (and he was always good, from day 1 he only woke up every 4 hrs on the dot then went straight back off!)… my baby had awful colic for first 3 months then started sleeping 12 hours straight, and last couple of months has now just been waking up for 1 night feed and 1 early morning feed most nights, and then goes back to sleep straight after. Personally, I have no problem with this, it’s what babies do and he isn’t hurting me or himself, I always try and get him back off with just a cuddle but he usually holds out for the bottle. Well she is constantly going on and on about how I’m doing it all wrong and how I should just let him cry – personally I just can’t do this, I’ll let him whinge for 5 minutes tops if a whinge is all it is, but I can’t listen to him cry, I have no problem with people who do but I don’t agree that a baby should be left to cry indefinitely – if her baby wakes up at midnight for a feed she leaves him crying alone in his room until 6am, that is her ‘rule’. One of these days she’ll wake up and find her baby has an illness and she’ll have missed due to her sheer laziness. I just don’t understand why someone would choose to have kids if they are that set on having 8 hours of sleep a night!! But whatever, my problem is when she has the cheek to criticise me when all this time I’ve been silent about her selfish and often unsanitary ways of raising her son.
I have a friend, well less than a friend more than an acquaintance if you know what I mean, (we both live in Britain) with a baby around the same age as mine (who is 9 months old). Our parenting styles couldn’t be more different, we do everything differently. There are certain things she does, or doesn’t do, that I inwardly disapprove of but I keep it to myself as I know opinions vary and unless she is being harmful or neglectful she has every right to parent her child how she wants. But she is the kind of person who will go to any measures to take the pressure of parenthood off her. It’s annoying, she’s almost 10 years older than me, married and has a live in nanny even though she only works 12 hours a week, and chose to try for a baby, I’m 20, single, doing a full time home study degree and take care of my baby 24/7 and my pregnancy was unplanned, and yet I pay my baby so much more attention than she does, and give him so much more time. Anyway sorry digressing into a bit of a rant there! But as I say, I keep my opinions of her ‘ways’ to myself, live and let live is my motto!! However lately she has been getting on my back, criticising me for being a ‘pushover’ and doing ‘too much’ for my baby. The main thing she goes on about is night feeds. From day one she was doing anything and everything to get her son sleeping through, things I wouldn’t dream of doing, and a lot of the time she’d ignore him if he woke (and he was always good, from day 1 he only woke up every 4 hrs on the dot then went straight back off!)… my baby had awful colic for first 3 months then started sleeping 12 hours straight, and last couple of months has now just been waking up for 1 night feed and 1 early morning feed most nights, and then goes back to sleep straight after. Personally, I have no problem with this, it’s what babies do and he isn’t hurting me or himself, I always try and get him back off with just a cuddle but he usually holds out for the bottle. Well she is constantly going on and on about how I’m doing it all wrong and how I should just let him cry – personally I just can’t do this, I’ll let him whinge for 5 minutes tops if a whinge is all it is, but I can’t listen to him cry, I have no problem with people who do but I don’t agree that a baby should be left to cry indefinitely – if her baby wakes up at midnight for a feed she leaves him crying alone in his room until 6am, that is her ‘rule’. One of these days she’ll wake up and find her baby has an illness and she’ll have missed due to her sheer laziness. I just don’t understand why someone would choose to have kids if they are that set on having 8 hours of sleep a night!! But whatever, my problem is when she has the cheek to criticise me when all this time I’ve been silent about her selfish and often unsanitary ways of raising her son.
Sorry this question is a huge rant, just needed to get that off my chest! My question is, honestly, is she right about me?! Should I just let my son cry all night? (Even if people say yes I know I won’t but I just wouldn’t mind the opinion of a third party!) And is she right to criticise me, and in my shoes would you in return give her a piece of your mind about all her parenting skills you don’t respect??
16 comments
Comment by iamhis0 on November 8, 2009 at 9:09 am
No, you are not a pushover. You are being a parent, and sounds like you are doing a good job. You are doing what you are supposed to, nurturing your child and tending to his needs. Ignore her. When she starts making comments, cut her off and tell her that she parents the way she chooses, and so do you, and ask her to please respect that. If she keeps it up, I would end the conversation and walk away or hang up the phone. She is being rude and most likely trying to make herself feel better about her neglectful parenting by picking on you.
Comment by Shaun and Nikolas's Mom. on November 9, 2009 at 11:03 am
I personally do not think that you are doing anything wrong.
For her to have a live in nanny for one child and work that short of hours…she has no room to talk.
Just ignore her comments and let her know that you both have different parenting styles and that’s how it’s always going to be.
Comment by lo on November 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm
i do what you do… two feeds at night.. bc thats what my baby wakes for.. whether its just a pattern now or not.. i dont mind getting up either and i think its silly to let a baby cry when the simple solution is to just give them a little love and comfort and they’ll go right back down. its simple in my book, besdies why does she care how you do it, its your baby.. people and opinions i tell ya.
Comment by Ivy's Mommy on November 13, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I would never let my baby cry all night that is just retarded and lazy!
Comment by Truffle on November 16, 2009 at 7:55 am
It’s so long I didnt read it sorry….but you cant be a pushover to a BABY and I **** when people ignore babies crying and dont hold them cuz theyre afraid it will get spoiled. I dont have children and probably wont for about 10 years when I’m older and married but I’ve seen this done…so unfair.
Comment by Diana S on November 16, 2009 at 7:12 pm
she doesnt have the rite to say anything wrong bout u everyone raiese there child diferernt ..theres no rite way to raise a child if there was everyone would grow up to be perfect….n i dont think that has happend yet..so dont beeat urself up for that… just let her raise her baby n u raise urs..if u dont like what she says juss nicely tell her u raise ur babay ill raise mine
Comment by little752 on November 20, 2009 at 4:22 am
Your friend sounds like a terrible mother. Keep doing what your doing. You sound like a terrific mother and person.
Comment by ✿Jessie✿ on November 22, 2009 at 2:15 am
You have every right to take care of your baby the way you want to and I would tell her to shove off if you know what I mean or I would give her a good tongue lashing about how she is a bad parent and you are right that her baby could be sick or hurt and she just ignore him. Some people just don’t care about their children and other jump over the moon for them. And who is she to give you advice on raising a baby when she doesn’t even take care of her own!
Comment by Hannah's mommy on November 23, 2009 at 7:57 am
honestly…I couldn’t read all that, too much drama and rant : )
Who really cares what she thinks about you? Are you happy with the job you are doing with your son? Then don’t worry about it.
And no, you shouldn’t leave your son to cry…that is lazy parenting.
Comment by mommy_loves_me2002 on November 23, 2009 at 8:37 am
No, you are not a push over. I get up and feed my baby every night.
Comment by wiXet on November 25, 2009 at 9:23 am
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job.
S many people these days just think a new baby will conveniently just slip into their lives and nothing will change. They get annoyed if the poor kid isn’t sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old and start trying to shove solid foods down their throat so ‘they’ (ie the parent) can get a good nights sleep.
Babies grow so quickly, why can’t people just enjoy their little ones while they are little, they won’t be wanting as many cuddles before you know it.
Keep doing what you are doing and know that your baby feels loved!!
Comment by Pretty in Punk! :) on November 26, 2009 at 1:37 am
I think you are doing a wonderful job. Letting your baby cry it out is not good for the babies development, it causes stress on the babies brain and can do irreversible damage. Just keep doing what you are doing and be glad that you have a healthy baby and you are blessed to spend time with your baby. When a baby cries they need something and you obviously have no problem giving your baby what he/she needs.
Just ignore her and her parenting styles and know in your heart you are doing a great job.
Good luck!
Comment by Autumn's Mommy on November 29, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I totally agree with you. They say you shouldn’t let a newborn cry for more than a few minutes because if they are crying they are either hungry or need a diaper change usually! And yea some babies will be able to soothe themselves and go back to sleep, but obviously she just doesn’t feel like feeding her baby when he is hungry in the night, and she needs to. And tell her than FYI, there is no such thing as spoiling a baby…period. She sounds kinda selfish to me, maybe she shouldn’t have had a baby if she isn’t willing to dedicate her time to him.
Comment by Beth D on December 2, 2009 at 6:03 am
Omigosh – it breaks my heart in pieces to think of a baby crying from 12 to 6am. That is bordering on abuse in my opinion. You are NOT a pushover. You are a loving and caring mum, which is more than I can say for your friend – who probably shouldn’t be a mum if she wants it to be easy and neat and wrapped with a little bow. LOL
I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut..especially if someone told me they left their bub to cry for that long. That is cruel.
Comment by JoAnne M on December 3, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Who’s to say who is right or wrong? Even professionals disagree about how to handle a baby when they wake up at night. My baby is also 9 months. When he was about 4 months old to about 7 months old, he slept a lot of the night….up only once or twice to eat. Now he is up almost every 2 hours for me to ****** feed him. I’ve given in and now I sleep in his bedroom with him after the first time he wakes up which is only about 11:00 pm. He goes to bed by himself in his crib to start the night. The rest of the night we are co-sleeping and he eats all night. Your friend would have an earful for me! But I agree with you. They are babies. They meed their mommies. So, I am going to be there for him. He’s only going to be a baby for so long. And studies show that babies who are comforted by their mothers often grow up to be more independent than those who are not. They are also less aggressive. So don’t let your friend tell you otherwise.
So, I say just keep loving that baby. And if you like your friend other than all the advice, just let it roll off your back. If you don’t really like her….avoid her.
Comment by Caroline's Mommy on December 5, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I think that you are a great mom. A baby should be able to depend on its parents to take care of him/her. That includes waking up in the middle of the night. I have a 1 year old and we co-sleep because I wouldn’t dream of letting my child cry for me and not be there. Now admittedly, there have been times where I have let my daughter cry herself to sleep, but these were times when She was flailing about and it was more dangerous for her to be in bed with me than in her own crib. I do not think that your friend has a right to criticize you for being attentive to your baby. I, like you, feel that she is being selfish and should be more attentive to her baby. Anyways good luck with you and yours.