Any decision starts with a set of choices. The ability to choose is a cherished value within our society but having said that, I honestly believe that many of the parenting problems that moms and dads get in to is because they offer choice either too early in a child’s life or at inappropriate times. I see it happening with parents all the time, so just how much choice should you offer your kids?

You can only make an informed choice when you have a good idea of the consequence of each course of action. Young children do not have that ability and it must be learned through life’s experience. Offer that learning at the correct time and the process is fairly painless. Offer it at the wrong time and it can make both your and their lives miserable. Let me give you an example. An appropriate choice for a toddler is to provide two small pieces of fruit on their high chair table and then to ask which one they want to eat first. They can change their mind fifty times if they wish and by choosing one piece of fruit, they do not automatically lose the other. This gives them the chance to practice the idea of choice, without yet having to worry about the intrinsic loss that often comes from taking a certain course.

As a parenting expert in Calgary, I watch carefully while moms and dads talk to their kids and I notice that many of them make life far harder for themselves than necessary. They ask their little people questions like. “Do you want to go to the park?” For a small child this is a far more confusing question than for an adult. You have chosen to go to the park perhaps because it’s a warm afternoon and for other logistical reasons you can’t go anywhere else. Your child on the other hand, does not know that. They were playing with their bouncy house and you asked whether they’d like to go to the park. They don’t know which would be more fun. If they had experienced the different options recently, they certainly don’t remember which was better. They are confused.

On top of not knowing what to do, it seems from your child’s perspective as though you’re asking for their permission. You are their parent and without understanding why, this lack of decision making on your part seems strange to them. You are in control but you seem not to know what you want to do. Such obvious lack of certainty on your part makes your child feel unsettled. You are the adult, so how is it that you do not know what you want to do?

When children feel unsettled and anxious, they don’t react well. They vacillate, changing their mind over and over again because they are unsure. Which would be better? What was better last time? If you have a toddler you will have seen this behavior. They do want to go, then they don’t. You, as the parent are likely to feel exasperated with them for not being able to make a decision. That irritation then gets transmitted to the child and then you’re off on your way to a full-blown tantrum. Add to that, any other underlying problems such as your child being hungry or tired and your own little Vesuvius is likely to erupt in short order.

The solution? With a toddler offer limited choice like the food choice first described above. If you must ask them if they want the green or the blue hat on to go for a walk, take both and be prepared to spend the entire walk changing head gear. Don’t ask a toddler whether they want a story. Instead say, “let’s go outside and read a story on the grass,” as though you confidently expect them to be delighted by the prospect. If you sound confident about how enjoyable the story will be, your toddler will likely be thrilled to participate.

As they grow, provide limited choices within well-defined limits. What do I mean by that? Well, when you first introduce the concept of ‘real choice’, make it clear up front that of the choices on offer, they can only have one and that they will have to live with that choice. Give them plenty of practice and choose choices that don’t matter much to start with such with, such as would you like the blue cup or red cup? Emphasize that if they choose the red cup and later on want the blue, it will not be available until the next meal or snack. Make it clear and be prepared to stick with it. The more they practice their decision making, the better they’ll get.

Slowly introduce choices of greater significance but always keep in mind that they are the child and should only be given choices within their level of understanding. Never give a child an adult decision to make. There will be plenty of time for that in their future when they have a far better understanding of how the world works and the ability to deal with any consequence.

By: Annie Lussenburg

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